Famished Mondays

Yesterday was the first day of college. The crowd kept pouring in as if UF were some theme park. It was awesome.

I was looking forward for the semester to begin coz I’ve been bored to death over the past few months which constituted my so called summer vacation.

Times have changed drastically. During my schooling days the only reason I'd look forward to school re-opening was to discern who’d be my new class teacher and who’d be my new bench partner. But in grad school it's a whole new ball game. You look forward to attending the first lecture coz you need to determine the level of competition you'd be subjected to during the semester, which in turn helps you to have your game plan in place. So yesterday was an important day in my new academic life wherein I finalized my game plan…..I’ve decided to pack my bags and head home to India.

You guys don’t necessarily have to hold me to it….coz on previous occasions I’ve been known to decide upon making a trip to the moon..becoming a Nobel laureate and winning an Olympic medal in the decathlon event…so dad and mom relax….it’s not going to happen.

Earlier yesterday I received a mail from my dad instructing me to keep a fast coz it was “Shraawan Somwar”. I’ve never kept a fast in my life and I was pretty excited to try it out.
Till 11:00 AM I was doing fine but by noon I was dead hungry. Having seen my dad fast for all these years, I know that there are loopholes in the fasting ritual….I mean, you don’t exactly have to starve…you can have lots of food stuff…but you need to be aware of the food you're allowed to eat. It's something similar to a scenario where the cops pull you over...you need to be aware of your rights.

So the easiest way to find more on the technicalities of fasting was to ask Deepti. But for some weird reason I couldn’t trace her…..maybe due to something that rhymes with "spoken"

But I was dead hungry….so figured maybe a coke would help….I wasn’t sure if a coke was permitted in the fasting menu…but I was desperate!!!

So anyway, I decide to meet up with a friend for lunch. She’d made “paav-bhaaji”…..and of all the days I’d decided to keep a freckin fast today….nice.

So she offers me some of her lunch and I politely turn it down. I try to explain that on any other day, I would've loved to confiscate her lunch but I couldn't taste any of it today coz I was fasting. My reputation precedes me and her expression says it all. I try to convince her that I was honestly fasting and I didn't intend to question her cooking skills. I also try to explain that I love to eat vegetarian food and when I make fun of her vegetarian predilection, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm mocking her food....coz I'm mocking her…as a person.....ahem....wrong choice of words. But I’m assuming she was very hungry coz she let me off the hook…just like that.

I wish we had more women like her….who won’t murder you for passing a wise ass comment.

It’s 4:00 pm now and I'm quite proud of myself coz I’ve managed to successfully abstain from eating anything in the day. I attend a lecture which lasts for an hour. Finally at 5:15 pm my advisor informs all of us that that he's arranged a small meeting for all the transportation engineering faculty and students. Mid way during this get together pizzas and sodas are ordered. I’m dead hungry so I pounce upon the pepperoni pizza…barbeque chicken pizza…mushroom pizza…cheese pizza…the works.

At 7:00 pm I arrive home. I see Ritesh cooking dinner. I remind myself that today is “shraawan somwar” and I’m supposed to be fasting. I pat myself on the back coz Ritesh has prepared an awesome dinner and yet I don't feel the urge to eat anything…..that’s what I call solid self control.

And then I wonder….why am I not feeling hungry today…coz by this time everyday, I’m ready to hog anything that’s kept on the table….and then my inner voice speaks to me….”Mr Pratapsingh I-have-control Bhonsle, you've just hogged a couple of pizzas an hour ago you shameless scum!!!”

Damn the devil…he tricked me.

So I soak up the disappointment and feel a vindictive sense of frustration. How could I commit such sacrilege??? How can I ever forgive myself??? How can I cleanse my soul??? How??? How???

I remorse over my actions for a whole 12 seconds and then move on. I have things to do and people to meet.

Hey don’t judge me... I did try my best, ok!!!

Hopefully this Monday I'll be triumphant coz I plan to fast again…..and if I fail, there’s always another Monday.

Abhijeet

Continuing with the series of introducing my friends one by one.....

So who’s the richest guy in the world?
Bill gates???...wrong.
Warren Buffett???...wrong.
Paul Allen???...wrong.
Shilpa Shetty???....ok which idiot came up with that one??? i asked for richest "guy" ...WRONG!!!

Then who???...well the answer is Mr. Abhineet Khanviulkar. You haven’t heard of him???....well that’s coz you’re an ignorant Orangutan....get yourself some decent general knowledge!!!

Mr Abhineet Khanviulkar (the name has been changed for obvious reasons) happens to be another member of my tarnished circle of friends. His weapon of choice….MONEY.

Abhineet was born with a silver spoon…ahem…make that a Platinum spoon. Being born into one of the richest families on Earth was just a stepping stone towards Abhineet’s quest for inexhaustible affluence.

Ever since he took over the reigns of his corporate empire, Hodek India has become the world’s largest company with a net worth of 2.1 trillion US dollars.

Last night when Abhineet was on the Jay Leno Show, he finally admitted that the only reason that drove him to be the richest person in the world, was coz back in his college days, when he was trying to set up his “corn empire”, a particular Amol Kane made fun of his management skills. Abhineet realized that the only way to shut Amol’s crap hole was to become the world’s numero uno rich boy.

In his pursuit of wealth, Abhineet took over 467 of the current fortune 500 companies. But his prized possession was a particular company called the “GE Power Systems”.
What was his special interest in this particular company you ask?....Hmmmm….well it so happens that Amol currently works for “GE Power Systems”…and as a result is an employee working for Mr. Khanviulkar.The hunter is now the hunted.
That could explain why Amol’s visa application for H-1 processing was denied and the reason why GE asked him to go work for their overseas project in Iraq for 2 yrs. Abhineet never forgives the people who mock him…and sending Amol to the “beheading country” was just his way of making a statement.

Only God can save those who make fun of Abhineet.


With great bank balances come great problems. Abhineet has a tough time keeping track of all his cars. Ask him about his “Yellow Zen” and he’ll have no answer. The poor fella can’t recall whether he sold it off or is it still there in some corner of his 56 acre garage. My sympathies are with him.

People have various hobbies ranging from collecting stamps to collecting antelopes. Abhineet loves to collect “commercial establishments”. This hobby surfaces from the depths of his enormous ego. Let me explain….

You happen to go window shopping with Abhineet….You like a particular Ferrari 360 Modena on display ….you remark how awesome a machine she is…..Abhineet informs you that he owns 14 of those Ferraris…two of every color they’re manufactured in…..you don’t believe Abhineet and ask him to show them to you when you visit his mansion…..Abhineet never really owned 14 of those cars…..he just likes to show off…..but now it’s going to land him in trouble….foot in mouth syndrome….Abhineet slips behind your back into the store and asks the owner to sell him 14 of those cars immediately….the owner thinks Abhineet is insane and has him thrown out of the store…Abhineet’s ego is hurt…he calls his accountant from his Thuraya satellite phone and informs him to get in touch with his lawyers and buy the store pronto…..the Ferrari store now belongs to him….but one problem….they have only 12 of those Ferrari’s he needs….the store manager calls up the main office….the main office informs the store manager that they are currently 37th on the waiting list and nothing can be done…..Abhineet threatens the main office clerk….the clerk laughs at him and asks Abhineet who the hell does he think he is…the owner of Ferrari???.....big mistake…..Abhineet completes the “take over” …..FIAT has a new owner.

Abhineet hates it when people mock him, but if an opportunity to mock others comes along, he'll pounce on it in a fraction of a millisecond. When it comes to remembering who slipped up on what, Abhineet has no adversary. Whether it is someone’s Poopsi for Pepsi or someone’s Kapool for Kapil…he’ll stock all of this “slip of tongue” garbage into his colossal database and bring it up when you least expect it….resulting in you being embarrassed to the core on a very public stage.

Abhineet loves soccer. However, he can't seem to make up his mind regards soccer club loyalty. One day he's a Liverpool fan..the next day he's an Arsenal supporter and the latest i believe, he's supporting Manchester United. Well, we at Manchester united have no issues since finally he's realised which is the top club in the world.

Abhineet is a huge fan of Rocky Balboa of Rocky - IV fame. He takes great pride in boxing with the women folk. No girl till date has been able to knockout our local hero, Rocky Khanviulkar….Actually when I think of it….he did loose to a particular Devika Diwanji…..she knocked the living daylights outta him.

Abhineet is getting married to my dearest friend Devika….I wish him all the best with this 'matrimonial take over'.

DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance whatsoever with any person living or dead is.....Actually, do i even need to have a disclaimer here....I mean come on....there's noway anybody could figure out I'm talking about Abhijeet Khanvilkar, right ???