Matrimony blues...

So it’s that time of the year again…the time when my parents go into overdrive with the matrimonial angle…coincidentally, that’s the same time when there is a drastic reduction in my phone calls and emails back home. If you were to conclude I was trying to avoid my folks…you would be wrong…coz I’d never admit to it on a public forum.

From American security standards the threat level for my existence over the past year or so has been on a constant “elevated” status. However, in the face of the current developments brewing on the Indian subcontinent for the past month or so, the threat level has been increased to a “severe”. My line of defense seems to have been compromised and I have been informed that the perpetrators seem to making significant headways.

All was well in wonderland till some traitors in the group decided they wanted to say “I do”. I would have been perfectly okay if they were responding to “do you want some more coffee”? … or… “do you take sugar with your tea”? ... but when the question is “ Do you, piece of shit, take this dumb ass as your lawful wedded wife?” I was hoping the answer would be something on the lines of “No Sir but thank you for asking”. When 6 couples from one group end up tying the knot, it is but normal that rest of the happy smart singles will feel the heat and succumb to peer pressure… and that is exactly what I’m feeling…too much pressure.

So what could go wrong…lets see…besides the usual ban on eating out, hanging out with the guys and watching gory movies ….nothing much…oh…yeah one small detail … MY FRECKIN WHOLE LIFE … HELLO !!!

And why do I keep thinking about myself… what about the insane amount of torture the poor girl would be exposed to…coz I don’t come alone…I come with 10-12 other insane friends…it’s a package deal. It’s inhuman for me to expect someone to deal with this sort of crap. But that’s just the way it is… I would be more than happy to accept her circle of friends as my own … but there’s just no way I could spend the rest of my life with a person who can’t love my friends the way I love them. And that I guess is my true test of compatibility. Oh…its not over yet…after that it comes down to dealing with my family…and the reason I rank this as the second test of compatibility is coz my family is far more accepting and far more understanding than my circle of close friends.

Earlier last week, dad mentioned that he’d uploaded my profile on one of those popular matrimonial websites. Having checked it out Amol and I realized that it was one of the cheesiest profiles ever created. The good news…he didn’t upload my picture. Over the years I have successfully managed to send him pictures of me doing crazy things and making weird faces. The last time he asked me for a well dressed decent picture I sent him one of my soaking wet screaming pictures from the beach …then there was the time he asked me to send him a smiling picture with clean shaved look…I sent him my rendering of Chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj. What can I say…I have a constantly evolving face...


So bottomline… Am I ready for that level of commitment…sure. Am I suicidal…sure. Am I absolutely out of my mind…sure. Am I way out of my league…sure. Am I ready to get married…ummm…timeout.