Shikari Shambu

2 days ago, as I was having lunch with my uncle at home, the serene ambiance was obliterated by a window shattering scream… “EEEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAAAA PAAAAPPPPAAAAAA”

It’s usual for my cousin to shout like that,so we just continued with our lunch. But in a span of 27 seconds the sequel to the first screaming episode was released…” PAAAAPPPPPPAAAAAAA DDDAAAAAAADDDAAAAAAA FAAAAAASTT”

Whoa!!! My cousin has never screamed for me. Suddenly we realized this ain’t the daily prime time soap being aired. It was more like the Grammys or something…. basically NOT an everyday event.

So here we were enjoying our lunch and Girija (my cousin) decides to polish her opera skills. Girija screaming is nothing new. She communicates with her parents that way.

But she’s never screamed at me, or for that matter for me and this was very strange. Kaka yells back…”WHHHHHAAATTTT DOOOO YOOOUUUU WAAAAANTTTT”

She screams back…”PAAAAAPPPPPPAAAA SNAAAAAAKE”

Some people are scared of rats while others are scared of cockroaches. Most of my male friends are scared of their girl friends. Point being, everybody is scared of something. I am scared of snakes. They just scare the shit outta me….and this ain’t funny.

It so happens that my uncle shares my phobia of sleazy reptiles. So the moment my cousin informs us that there’s a snake in the house, my kaka leaves his lunch as it is…gets up….looks towards the ceiling…..brings his hands together in a namaskar pose….starts chanting OMM NAMAHA SHIVAAYA OMM NAMAHA SHIVAAYA….turns 6-7 times in his place…and then looks at me….he says “Pushparaj only you can save us from this catastrophe”

You have to realize that I’m already shitting in my pants.

So when he says this I go “Who Me??”

I’ve used the “who me” line on numerous occasions and have managed to master the naive look that accompanies this particular line. It has bailed me out of trouble so many times….when Mrs Vasanti Mathew caught me talking during class in 9th grade….or when Fr. Soares caught me looking outside the class at the ongoing soccer matches in 10th grade...or when Mr. Gadgil caught me peeping in someone else’s paper during the German exam in 11th grade…the list goes on…the more recent one being when Chunnu’s crappy footwear landed on a mango tree in Tiroda.

But when I needed it the most, I just couldn’t pull off that Oscar wining performance. This is where I take a back seat to quite a few members of the group who consistently perform under the most demanding circumstances.

Hey Atish, Duku, Amol, Kapil and Abhijeet…..how’s it going guys?

So as I try to finish my lunch, I find that I have volunteered to deal with the snake. Nice.

This was even worse than the time I had to dress up as a lady…. with full make-up…. lipstick…mascara…skirt… the works… during my 1st grade annual concert at Bishop’s School.


As all this “nautanki” was going on Girija scores again… “DDAAAAADDAAAAA PPAAPPPPPPAAAAAA…..HHHEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP”

And I find myself visualizing a scene from the movie ANACONDA….holly crap!!!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. No jokes, I wanted to sit in the car and get going myself. But some sort of crappy sense of duty wouldn’t let me run. It was time to face the enemy.

APPROPRIATE FOOTWEAR:
I had to choose from bata sleepers, formal shoes, casual shoes, snowshoes and soccer shoes. I decided snowshoes would be appropriate footwear….they protect you upto the knees.

WEAPON OF CHOICE:
I had to choose from a variety of brooms, snowplough, vacuum cleaner and some gardening equipment. Finally I came across a fairly long stick and decided upon using it to exterminate the adversary.

LOCATE THE CREATURE
Girija pointed out the location. The snake was in my uncle’s bedroom under the bed. Why can’t these slithering beings settle in an open space as opposed to under some sort of furniture? Damn the snake!!! He had to make my life more difficult.

GET WITHIN STRIKING DISTANCE:
This is the difficult part… to move closer towards the slimy reptile. Coz every time the snake twitches, your heart leaves your rib cage and takes a stroll through your neighbors garden before returning to its rightful location.

STRATEGY:
He was under the bed. I decide to climb onto the bed. The idea was to lie on the bed and then look under the bed from one of the sides.

At that moment it seemed a classy idea…. until I realized I had to lie on top of the bed and then lower my head from the edge of the bed to locate the exact position of the snake. One problem…. what if I bend over and find my dear friend staring right into my eyes within breathing distance. Hmmm…. change of plan.

I decide Girija should guide me. So using her instructions I just lower the stick and using her precision I hammer the stick……....on the floor.
Nice……so now I have a very angry snake under the bed…..that’s just terrific.

The time had arrived to separate the boys from the men…..i was told to fall in line with the boys. Nice going pansie boy.

I mustered the courage to bend over and look under the bed. Saw the damn thing wriggling in the opposite corner. I lowered the stick in his direction and dragged him out.

I asked Girija if she had a problem with me killing the snake. You never know…these women have sympathy for all living things….it was best I seek her permission before she holds it against me for life and stops my supply of food and water.
I told her if she wanted me to get hold of him alive she was most welcome to do it herself…..coz the only way I was going to touch the slithering beast was after I’d squashed it’s venomous head…and that’s what I did.

Turns out, this huge monster was a 4 inch non poisonous green colored garden snake which my aunt normally picks up with her bare hands and throws out. Girija’s cats are fond of getting snakes into the house and my kaki is fond of picking them up by the tail and whirling them out from the balcony. I so wish my kaki was'nt at work that day.

Yes. So I’m a sissy boy. Big deal!!!

As Kaful would put it…”WHO CARES???”