back again...

My trip to Poona concluded a few weeks ago but the effects of the trip linger on. Having returned after almost a 2 yr stay in America, I knew I could expect a significant amount of change. Nothing however could gear me for the massive leap in traffic volumes and the considerable amount of skill required to negotiate through hoards of ‘Grand Prix meets Demolition Derby’ enthusiasts.

Thanks to some strategic planning by my dad I got to meet almost everyone that I would’ve wanted to meet. Some cousins got left out but that’s the price you pay for making such a small trip. It was strange and nice to see how excited everyone was to see me return. Mom was teary eyed at the airport when she came to receive me…Dad, well he was his usual self…keeping his “show of affection” on a tight leash while patiently waiting for mom to hug me first, lest she felt left out once the father son duo got together.

Amol and I were reminiscing over our trip to India last weekend. We arrived at the following conclusions with relation to our moms:

1. Atleast 97% of the stay in India needs to be a Quality Time Spending (QTS) event with just you and mom...dad's presence may be acceptable. Anything short of a 97% attendance record could prove to be exceedingly detrimental to the peace processes in the region.

2. Dinner with friends is okay but lunch with friends is walking on thin ice. However, meeting up with friends over breakfast takes it to a whole new suicidal level and results in serious negative scoring.

3. Lunch at home does not count for much on the QTS scale. In order to score high points, a QTS dinner with parents is a pre requisite.

4. If a friend drops by while a QTS dinner is in progress, you forfeit the QTS points. It doesn’t matter whether you were almost done through desert or about to take your first bite of the main course…presence of a non family member results in immediate disqualification.

5. Any resistance to the idea of stuffing loads and loads of food stuff to carry back to America will result in an instant warning and may also be accompanied by a reduction in score.

6. Pretending to love green vegetables during a QTS dinner, entitles you to a bonus score. The motherload of all bonus scoring would be getting a close friend to publicly vouch for your vegetarian traits.

All said and done, nothing comes close to the insane amount of pampering that you experience on your arrival home. It’s as if the whole world is at your beck and call…an amazing place to be in.

Even our Dhobi was on call 24/7 while I was in town. Since it was a matter of national security with the outcome of the war depending on it, he ironed all my clothes on a priority basis . I can almost picture him accepting a gallantry award during the Republic Day Parade at Shaniwarwada this year. I say he deserves the award coz in the face of national insurgency, when the whole nation chickened out, our man took it upon himself the responsibility of maintaining a steady supply of clean crisp underwear. (No mom, I don’t really iron my underwear.)

Reality Check: Friends almost always keep you grounded. The only time they let you throw your 'I've Returned from America Attitude' is when they need some motivation to shove a pair of US size 13 Nike Shox shoes up your royal ass. When that does happen, I do what Atish does best … bow respectfully, slowly step aside, maintain absolutely no eye contact, gradually begin to walk and finally break into a sprint.

The old Chinese saying goes: He who have shoe in bum know when to run.