Love is in the air...mostly

With 14th Feb just round the corner there’s so much pressure on the guys to get all mushy eewwyy deeewwyy. Well some of us can’t…PERIOD!!!

Hear me out before you start throwing slander my way. We are simple humans…we haven’t mastered the art of pretense and fake affection…yet. We have an innocent heart which does not come with a love and affection “ON-OFF” switch. We can not go into a romance mode just coz its Valentines. We are genuine beings…give us some credit please.

So it’s Valentine’s Day…big deal…how is it any different from any other day. Yes, if we got an official holiday at work on account of Valentine’s Day that would certainly make it special…but that’s not happening, is it?

Here’s my take on it…We (that would include all my ignorant brethren who have no clue what they’re going to come up with for Valentine’s Day and hate this extra effort of coming up with a lovy dovy eewwy dewy (PUKEY) gift or a romantic gesture) love our respective girl friends, fiancés, wives…why is it this day that we need to go over board and prove our luuurrvee??? Haven’t we proved it time and again…I mean if we hadn’t…we wouldn’t be in this position now, would we?

Someone argued the other day that “Every day ideally should be a Valentine’s Day…and since its not, at least make sure you treat that one Valentine’s Day like the way you are supposed treat a Valentine’s Day and not be a jerk about it fool”.

Good point… only problem….how do you know we don’t treat everyday like a Valentine’s Day?

We love our significant halves like crazy day in day out…and we do our little crazy things to show them how much we love them….maybe those acts of love and affection don’t measure up to a 9.5 on your scale of 1-10…but on our scale…hey…that’s a 12…with the 2 bonus points for handwriting.

A friend of mine from back home makes sure he calls his wife every time he goes shopping with the guys…be it about the kind of a watch he’s buying or his size for his gym shorts or the color of his flip-flops…his inability to make a decision and dependency on his spouse to help him out is the sheer outcome of his love. Its not like he needs the help…he just wants to make sure his wife is happy with his choice…coz if his wife is happy he knows he’ll be happy…Pretty pansy yes, but happy nonetheless. This is how we show our love…we show it in a very distorted round about crazy complicated way.

“I love you Tanvi” would be too easy…and easy is something that we just won’t do … No Can Do Ma’m…so what do we do you ask? Ahem… I've been known to sing patriotic songs for Tanvi over the phone when she requested for a dedication ...coz love songs are passé.

The women I know are going “JEEZ…What a lame effort at covering for your failure to come up with a Valentine’s gift”…and most of my guys are going “HELL YA!!! ... YOU TELL ‘EM BOY…WE GOT YOUR BACK BRO …ahem…Just don’t turn around”

That’s alright…I’m not worried…coz even I know I’m not that "shhtooopid". I can only talk the talk....there's no way I can walk the talk ... hehehe ... 4 days and counting… scary :)

Ummm...Thursday?

Wow....super long time.....what can I say....feels good to be back to my writing ways (maybe spoken too soon....but we'll see how this goes in the days to come).So for those who came in late...nothing much has been happening my end...unless you consider getting married a big deal. Yup, Tanvi and me got married last year. I'm sure getting married could be considered a super big deal by most of the people I know...but in my case it was a "no-biggie"...coz I like to think of myself as a rare but extremely desirable commodity...surely someone was bound to find me and fall for my super cool charm. So it comes as no surprise that Tanvi fell for me the moment she laid her eyes on me...I agree it must have been pretty ego-boosting for her when she said “yes” to me …but then again... it was something totally expected. (Tanvi will strongly beg to differ...I wonder why...hmmm). Ahem…I guess this is as far as I can go with my brave banter...anything more and I'm treading on the hallowed grounds of Suicideville. For the benefit of those folks who are considerably weak on their emotional geography...Suicideville is strategically located north of the Painsville, east of Deathville along the banks of Cold-Shoulder River near the port of No-Food-For-U.

Jokes aside…I'm a changed person since I got married last year...I have realized the significance of important dates in our lives...I've actually started to feed these dates into my phone...one year anniversary of meeting Tanvi for the first time...one year anniversary of our engagement ... one year anniversary of our first butter chicken date... two month anniversary of our marriage... three month anniversary of our marriage...four month anniversary of our marriage...you get the picture, right?...coz the list goes on...and mind you…its absolutely impossible to keep a track of all these significant milestones life has to offer but nonetheless I continue to aggressively put my Blackberry Calendar to use. Its futile...I know it...coz eventually I'm sure I'll slip up in this game of "guess the day"... but till this unbeaten streak is brought to an abrupt end (followed by a scenario wherein I can't come up with a believable explanation for my lack of memory) I will continue to document these key signatures of time. I learnt the hard way that the answer to "What day is it today, honey?" most certainly cannot be a "Today is a Thursday, love...why do you ask?"

I will agree though, that life has certainly changed for the better...coz earlier the first thing I'd do when I got up in the morning, would be to look at my phone and make sure I wasn't running late for work...now I look at my phone to see if Tanvi has sent me a "Good morning Hubby, miss me yet?" text ... and I'm always late to work :)

Protest

These are dark times indeed. What is the world coming to? Is there no hope for the weak and the innocent? Must the wrong and heartless always win? The pure-hearted cry a river of sorrow while the perpetrators of pain bask in the glory of their triumph. There is no safe haven for the oppressed and once again the pallbearers of truth must rise and defend their honor.

Two young (good looking if I may say so myself) knights were chosen to take the holy war deep into the heart of the enemy. Sir Amol and Sir Pratap were chosen to lead the army of good and bring glory to the lands of Clearwater, Florida. Surviving extreme torture would become a regular ordeal for these brave lads in the days to come. Little did they know that pain and suffering were just the elementary stages in their quest for freedom…a significantly more ghastly fate was awaiting them at the gates of “The Grand Reserve”… Lady Jasika with a R had arrived.

Life would never be the same. Innocent blood would be shed…helpless heads would roll…but nonetheless, the two pillars of hope would stand their ground and take whatever Lady Jasika with a R threw their way (literally). The war had begun…and there was no room for turning back.

But life wasn’t always this difficult. Residents of apartment 1336 fondly recall those glory days when they could leave their humble abodes without fear of being locked out for the night for disobeying a direct order or the days when they could sit on the couch to watch some TV without seeking prior permission and on a good day they could actually eat whatever it was that they wanted to eat. But all that would change. Happy days are short lived and in an act of God, hurricane Jasika with a R had arrived. Cape Canaveral had to postpone the launching schedules for their shuttle due to the unexplained depression in the region. A detailed study into the paranormal activity in and around the Tampa Bay Area revealed traces of distinct radiations originating from apartment 1336 similar to those observed in the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

To an untrained eye it would appear that our two heroes had the upper hand. This ability to impart a false sense of security was by far the most lethal weapon in Hurricane Jasika with a R’s arsenal. Sir Amol and Sir Pratap knew they were up against a supernatural being. Reinforcements would need to be called in. In their hour of need Sir Amol and Sir Pratap turned to their time tested ally, the Queen of Pittsburgh (coz after all she was family) to seek her allegiance. However her personal guards politely escorted our two knights to the castle gates and presented them with the royal seal on their behinds. To the uninitiated a royal seal on the behind implies “Please take your behinds back to your homelands or we’ll back some of your homelands into your behinds. Thank you”.

And just when you thought the worse was over, the Queen of Pittsburgh decided to confer upon Jasika with a R the title of “Survivor”. WHAT???? BLASPHEMY!!! Not only were the true deserving recipients deprived of their honor but what is even more disconcerting is the fact that by merely playing a “damsel in distress” to perfection Ms Reign of Terror snatched glory from the arms of the innocent.

But it’s not over till the fat lady sings. Sir Amol and Sir Pratap will continue to protect the weak, uphold the doctrine of honesty, integrity and brotherhood and strive to live by the honor code.


"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers".
- Ezekiel 25:17/Pulp Fiction


Rasika’s internship is over and she would be leaving Clearwater next week. Reshma (Amol is Reshma's brother for those who didn’t know) presented Rasika with a “Certificate of Award for surviving Pratap and Amol” earlier today. Amol and Pratap have gone on record and voiced their protest.

Apology

I was browsing through blogs the other day… basically just reading random stuff. I’m not a book person….I loose patience very easily. However, this loss of patience does not apply to the fact that I don’t mind going through blogs of unknown people for hours and hours. Reading someone’s blog for me is like having a conversation with a person…reading books is like watching a documentary on that person. I can’t really explain it…but I’d take a conversation about “absolute nothing” over a documentary about “absolute nothing” any day. It’s comforting to read stuff written by unknown people and their opinion about life in general. In a real life scenario I’m not sure how many actually act the way they write. I’m not judging anyone… I speak for myself alone. The way I react in a ‘real life scenario’ doesn’t even measure-up to half the standard I set for myself in my ‘ideal life scenario’.

Over the past few weeks I have been trying to deliberate over the way I live….the goals I’ve achieved…the goals I’m yet to achieve…instances when I’ve let myself down… instances when I’ve come clean… instances when I’ve surpassed my expectations. When I say goals I don’t mean career goals…those I don’t bother setting. The goals I speak of are those that you set for yourself as a human being… goals which define your character and are measured in terms of your compassion for others.

So how do I measure up on that scale? I’d say somewhere between lame and pathetic. I try to live up to the standards that I am expected to…but lets face it, it takes a very big heart to live a life where you just give and give…and then give some more…and yet have no expectations. I can safely say that I won’t think twice before doing something for, or giving something up for one of my friends or family….but can I do that for just any random person? I don’t think so….and that I believe is the defining moment… that is the difference between a ‘real life scenario’ and an ‘ideal life scenario’.

When I see people going the distance for an anonymous person purely based on kindness and a warm heart, I can’t help but smile…coz there is hope….and just when I’m all excited I meet a whole bunch of self centered ungrateful people who don’t care one bit about the inconvenience caused to others.

It would be shamelessly convenient for me to place myself into the first category. Nonetheless, I’m sure there have been numerous moments when I was definitely in the later. To all those people out there who I’ve unknowingly hurt and been mean to, I apologize.

Matrimony blues...

So it’s that time of the year again…the time when my parents go into overdrive with the matrimonial angle…coincidentally, that’s the same time when there is a drastic reduction in my phone calls and emails back home. If you were to conclude I was trying to avoid my folks…you would be wrong…coz I’d never admit to it on a public forum.

From American security standards the threat level for my existence over the past year or so has been on a constant “elevated” status. However, in the face of the current developments brewing on the Indian subcontinent for the past month or so, the threat level has been increased to a “severe”. My line of defense seems to have been compromised and I have been informed that the perpetrators seem to making significant headways.

All was well in wonderland till some traitors in the group decided they wanted to say “I do”. I would have been perfectly okay if they were responding to “do you want some more coffee”? … or… “do you take sugar with your tea”? ... but when the question is “ Do you, piece of shit, take this dumb ass as your lawful wedded wife?” I was hoping the answer would be something on the lines of “No Sir but thank you for asking”. When 6 couples from one group end up tying the knot, it is but normal that rest of the happy smart singles will feel the heat and succumb to peer pressure… and that is exactly what I’m feeling…too much pressure.

So what could go wrong…lets see…besides the usual ban on eating out, hanging out with the guys and watching gory movies ….nothing much…oh…yeah one small detail … MY FRECKIN WHOLE LIFE … HELLO !!!

And why do I keep thinking about myself… what about the insane amount of torture the poor girl would be exposed to…coz I don’t come alone…I come with 10-12 other insane friends…it’s a package deal. It’s inhuman for me to expect someone to deal with this sort of crap. But that’s just the way it is… I would be more than happy to accept her circle of friends as my own … but there’s just no way I could spend the rest of my life with a person who can’t love my friends the way I love them. And that I guess is my true test of compatibility. Oh…its not over yet…after that it comes down to dealing with my family…and the reason I rank this as the second test of compatibility is coz my family is far more accepting and far more understanding than my circle of close friends.

Earlier last week, dad mentioned that he’d uploaded my profile on one of those popular matrimonial websites. Having checked it out Amol and I realized that it was one of the cheesiest profiles ever created. The good news…he didn’t upload my picture. Over the years I have successfully managed to send him pictures of me doing crazy things and making weird faces. The last time he asked me for a well dressed decent picture I sent him one of my soaking wet screaming pictures from the beach …then there was the time he asked me to send him a smiling picture with clean shaved look…I sent him my rendering of Chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj. What can I say…I have a constantly evolving face...


So bottomline… Am I ready for that level of commitment…sure. Am I suicidal…sure. Am I absolutely out of my mind…sure. Am I way out of my league…sure. Am I ready to get married…ummm…timeout.